Out of the Box

Boxes are really interesting things. It's the first thingme he used to be a minister. Argh..perhaps I had
we see when we receive something as a gift. It tellsmade a poor choice of counselors. I was not in the
us a lot about the size, weight and contents ofmood for Biblical quotations or a long list of "should's"
what's inside. I remember as a kid, picking up a lightand "musts" that minister types are so want to
box for Xmas meant "clothes" and a heavy boxappeal to when they run out of actual practical and
generally meant "Toy", especially if it rolled from onecommon sense observations and perspectives.
end of the box to the other upon tipping and shaking.But soon enough I learned that the "used to be a
A box can be a really great thing and bring a lot ofminister" was grounded in having outgrown that box
joy. As a kid, I had a Remco Bulldog Tank, which Iand so we had some common ground here. He
can still get a nice feeling from by looking them upthought it humerous to remind me he did not often
for sale still on Ebay. I won't be buying one soon ashave clients who had been "fired by God." I said
they are around $300. I remember the original price"very funny."
was around $12. But that box sure brought backAt any rate, I quickly learned that many people
memories and now, if I need one, I can get anoutgrow boxes and ministers are no exception. Or at
empty Bulldog Tank box for a mere $50!least many minister types want to outgrow the box
We all come in a box when we are born, and I don'tthey came in, or got at school, or their
mean the womb.denominational headquarters and pastoral seminars
Once we arrive, we are slipped into a box that wedesigned to keep them in a particular denomination
are generally expected to stay in for the rest of ourbox. For years I went to "meetings" the sole purpose
life, depending on the topic.of which was to keep me in line and in the assigned
Of course, we get the box of our family. I personallybox of acceptable theological perspectives. Of
grew up in the Orthodox Presbyterian box. I amcourse, I thought that was the right thing to do and
Dutch and German and came to the planet in April ofwhere I needed to be so I didnt "fall away." But in
1950 in Rochester, NY to a young couple who hadhindsite, it was simply programming designed to keep
already had three other kids, one severlyme on someone elses straight and narrow, and many
handicapped and then me. My dad worked atof them also proved to be neither on the path of
Eastman Kodak and had managed not to be sentstraight or narrow themselves.
overseas to fight WW2 with his work for themThat is often the case when we want to be be out
counting as service. Had he been drafted, well I mightof a box, but deem the price too high with tribe or
never have gotten to write this. Moms parents hadChurch. We become duplistic or as Paul might say, "I
managed to accept an invitation from friends tobecame all things to all men..." This is a concept that
postpone their Atlantic crossing in April of 1912 andto me leaves me wondering then exactly who was
stay until June to be in their wedding since they hadPaul if he was so willing to put on whatever show
intention of returning to Amsterdam once in America.needed to win over converts. What a duplistic and
So they didn't take the Titanic that April.deceptive attitude. Does one ever meet the real
No choice... just a family that is ready made. A momperson if that is how they view things. "To the Jew,
and dad, or maybe just a mom. Various aunts andI became a Jew..." I can't become all things to all men,
uncles and of course varieties of grandparents, wholest I lose myself in the charade.
may or may not be thrilled we are here. The familyAfter gettting well aquainted and sharing my
may have lots of money and great stuff, or notparticular story, I learned that I tended, and have all
much. It might be in the US, Europe, Uzbekistan,my life, to outgrow my own boxes very quickly.
China or Africa. We might be born into a great homeMost never explore the one they are given at birth, I
on Oak Street or Heatherwood Way, or a village inwas reminded, which I have found to be true. I
Iraq, Namibia or on the outskirts of Shanghai. Noevidently had a more inquisitive, open and free spirit,
choices here for us to make. Just the way it is. Thewhich would lend itself to not only looking over the
family may be well employed, employed,edge of the box, but climbing out much to the anger,
underemployed or unemployed...again, no choices forfear and chiding of the tribe.
us.This also tore at me as I have a "how can I help
In this box we are born into, and mostly expected toyou" temperament which can lend itself to people
stay forevermore in, we get a religion to grow up in.pleasing and compliance if I am not honest with
It might be Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam,myself. Sometimes we stay put for a very long time
Hindu or a host of other "isms" that again we had noafraid to speak our mind, share our thoughts or even
say in. It is who others want us to be with all it'shint at changes in our perspectives. It makes people
laws, rituals and beliefs. They did the religious beliefangry and insecure and is the stuff or countless
homework long before we arrived and we will lovearguements or family tension. I learned what topics
what they choose for us. If we don't love it, it justto avoid as I did not, at that time, want the hassle,
may take longer to convince us.the look or the rebuttal.
Of course I am Catholic. I was born Catholic! TheI learned that outgrowing a box can be very lonely.
idea that one cannot really be born with a wholeMost of those in the previous box spend their
religious belief system in place doesn't seem to crossenergy keeping you in the box, not overjoyed that
our minds. What we mean is we had no choice in ouryou want out. Most of those in the previous box will
youth but to be programmed by those before usnot accompany you on your new perspectives. They
who had selected the truth of life for us that theysimply won't leave the box with you, nor will they
generally got from those before them. That box isoffer any support. They might simply disappear from
just one size and you and I were expected to simplyyour life or refuse to be a friend until you return to
stay in that box, no questions asked. The troublethe box. Or even if you do return, things can never
comes later in life when we seek to get out of thequite be the same again, because you dared to even
box we came in.attempt an escape.
But often, as we get older, we find the box we areThey can make you feel guilty as hell for evening
in no longer fits us. While the tribe or family may bethinking there were other boxes! They will however
content with that box, a very small part of whichremind you that the box you now need to be in is
they have never even explored themselves, we arenot as real, valid or good for you as the one you left.
not. We might not be comfortable in the political partAs a result, many return to their harm in the long run.
we inheirited, or the social and mostly the religious"Dennis, you have two choices..." I was told. "You can
part we inheirited, and have to not just look aroundkeep exploring the bigger boxes that is your nature
the box given, but actually look up and over theto do and probably go it mostly alone, or you can
edge, to see what we can see. This is where thereturn to the box you just got kicked out of and
danger, criticism and head shaking comes to play infeel a bit more secure and "happy." You also will
our lives and where we have to decide if lookingprobably be on antidepressants the rest of you life."
over the edge of this given box is worth it. WeHe seemed to know what he was talking about and
aren't yet saying we are going to leave the box, butI agreed. I was already on those meds at the time,
the threat to family, friends and even ourselves asso that made perfect sense.
we think about it is just about to manifest itself.The anxiety and depression caused by outgrowing a
The criticism might come for reading outside thebox can be relentless until one developes the skills to
accepted and given box of ideas on all topics fromdeal with them. For me it is staying present and out
religion to employment. One might catch it but goodof the past where there is anger and guilt to deal
for getting caught having a different idea aboutwith and the future where there is anxiety and fear
sexuality or adherence to the established religiouswaiting. Sitting in quiet meditation, a very difficult
taboos that came in that original box. The religiousthing for one raised Dutch, Calvinistic and needing to
box you came in might demand a tithe of youralways be "productive", but actually is very
income but you no longer feel the return on thetherapeutic and enlightening. NOW is what we all
"investment" is worth it, and perhaps God doesn'thave. Nothing more and nothing less. I am not always
really need your money. There will always besuccessful, but I am getting better at it. When you
someone in the tribe to warn you that you can't beoutgrow a box you genuinely could not stay in, it
"blessed" with an idea, out of the box, like that.causes a lot of guilt issues as well and grieving for
It's ok for businessmen to look outside the businessthose that did not either want to come along or
box for better ideas or the scientific community tosimply couldn't. I have often now found it almost
see outside the box of science to give us really coolinsane to force a young couple, upon pain of eternal
stuff, but it is NOT acceptable for the individual todeath and offending the Deity, to NEVER EVER
step outside the social, political or religious aspects ofCHANGE from this day forward, and yet not be told
the tribal box, given at birth.that EVERYTHING around you will change for the
The tribe will hound you for missing Church orrest of your life. Makes no sense to me. This is
Wednesday night Bible study and suggest that Pastorwhere certain institutions seem simply designed to
so and so talk to you, hoping he can stuff you backkeep one compliant and obedient to the tribe and to
in the box. Talk like a Democrat when "we are allstay in that birth box.
Republicans," and see what happens. Come toOutgrowing your boxes, if you as inclined to do it, is
different conclusions about wars or presidents anddifficult in many many ways. Most simply won't do it
see what happens. You might just have a list ofwhen confronted with the tribe, the church and the
topics we don't talk about in our box.consequences. Sometimes we get pushed out of box
Sometimes they hope a counselor can do the same.whether we like it or not and in time will come to
Perhaps they bring out the big guns and yoursee that it was the best thing that could have
Grandfather can talk some sense into you, after all,happened, thought it feels for a very long time like
Grandpa has been in the original box for his entire life.the worst. What's bad is often good and, of course,
If it's good enough for him and us, it's good enoughwhat's good can sometimes end up not so good.
for YOU! Someone might even be so hurt that youSome who win the lottery seemed chosen to teach
would want to see outside this given box, theyus this.
scream and cry asking "what....you think we didn'tSo...we all came in a box of someone elses choosing.
raise you with the right information?" "What...youFor many that works just fine and certainly
think we deliberately taught you wrong?"uncomplicates life to some degree. But boxes were
Boy this stuff lays you low and can get you awaymeant to be outgrown and while tribal goals can be
from the idea of ever looking over the top of themet by staying put, personal goals, needs and
box for a very long time. Guilt, shame and fear areperspectives can never be enlarged upon by staying
the tools used to keep the one who suspects biggerin boxes.
boxes in life than the ones we are all born intoMaybe somewhere there is the final box that opens
actually exist. So most retreat and wither under peer,to clear blue skies and pure truth. I hope so. But for
tribal or professional criticism. And then there arenow, just climbing up to the edge of the one you are
those who press on no matter what. It can be ain and taking a look out and around into a bigger box
lonely trip at times.just might be good enough for now. If I climb out of
When I needed a counselor to give me somethis current one myself and find that patch of blue
guidance in that "out of the box" phase, I was luckyendless sky with pristine rivers and lakes, inhabited by
to have one that understood the concept of boxes.beings of light, full of only love, acceptance and truth,
He had outgrown a few of his own and understoodyou'll all be the first to know.
the process well. At my first session with him, he told